I am me.

I am gay.

There I said it.

That statement should not come as a surprise to some people who know me (Or who knows? Perhaps you all knew). In fact, I have not really kept this a secret since I accepted myself. My immediate family and some close friends are well aware.

I despise parts of the process of “coming out”. I want to live in a world where we can be private about who we bring into the bedroom. As long as we are not harming ourselves or anyone else in who we are, then let it be. However, I am more keen on the idea of coming out than I used to be. It gives people like me a public opportunity to declare that we are confident in who we are.

Mind you, that does not make me less fearful for the world I live in.

On November 8, 2016, I had just taken my mother to vote. When we got home, we stepped out of the car. She looked over to me and said “Noah, I will love you no matter what.” I knew that she knew. She knew that I knew. So I said the words, and we embraced in a hug. I spent that night crying for my country. I knew who I was, but that did not mean that the world would accept me. Especially after the choice our country made that night, I knew that I could not be myself for the world.

The last 4 years have proven that I was right. People like me are still not safe from many of the things that plague our community, and that includes violence from outside organizations.

I graduated from high school in 2017. Even then only a few people knew. By this point I had told the rest of my immediate family. Luckily, I have been able to rely upon their support ever since. After, all I had an aunt who was also gay. I could ask her questions about this journey if needed.

I was still wracked with guilt over how I had ended my heterosexual relationship. I still have some of that guilt today, I know that I left an awful mark on a person and that I can never take it back.

Then came college. Admittedly, I knew I had somewhat resigned myself to being in the closet when I chose Hardin-Simmons. Going to a Baptist school was not going to do me any favors, but I had chosen HSU for reasons besides my sexuality. My family, my familiarity, and my ability to succeed were just some of the factors I had in mind when I made my college choice.

I underestimated how difficult college would be for my understanding of my sexuality and my faith. Throughout high school I attended church with my family, and we had a good time. We were able to help people. I had turned away from my church when I had realized who I was. Honestly, I was scared to go back there. I knew I could never be who I was if I stayed there and lied to myself. I mean, I could read what people from the congregation were putting on social media. I could only imagine what they and others felt in their hearts.

I went into a period of denial about my sexuality that lasted for a lot of my freshman year of college. I was scared about being sinful. I thought that being a good Christian could never mean being gay. I did a lot of Biblical research to try and prove myself correct.

I did so much studying into scripture about why being gay was wrong and why I could not be gay. I read so many interpretations. I learned a good amount of Aramaic and Greek to understand the original translations so see if there was stuff that English simply could not explain.

It turns out there was (and I would recommend looking at these for any Christian by the way. English does not always do justice to issues that Christians believe like abortion, homosexuality, and male/female roles). I learned more about my relationship with God from my own studies than I ever did sitting in front of a pastor. Our faith is a very personal thing, and so should our interpretation of the Bible.

For a lot of my freshman year, I was in a bad place. On top of the usual college stressors, I had no idea who I was on the inside. Most of what I remember from that time was playing billiards in the lobby of my residence hall, just trying to let the hours fade away.

Towards the end of my freshman year I pulled out of this depression. Mostly it was because I devoted myself to my studies and tried to ignore who I was. I moved beyond the stage of self hate to ignorance of who I was. I had guys friends who were straight. I had “girl” friends as well.

This was my modus operandi during my sophomore year. I simply ignored anything to do with my sexuality. Any time I thought about it I became depressed. Sure, my studies were fine, but I was not a healthy person. I was purposefully not being myself.

Every time I thought of just coming out and getting it over with, I remembered where I was. I was at a Baptist College in Abilene, TX. I already had two strikes against me in the “acceptance” area. Every once in awhile I would meet fellow students who loved to talk about how gay people were evil.

I was not ready. People can have their assumptions and I am sure they did. However, once I said “I am gay”, I cannot take that back. As soon as those words are truth, I will be treated differently and grouped differently for the rest of my life.

Not to mention, at this point I had begun to involve myself in the politics of Tye. I already sat on the board of the Tye Economic Development Corporation, and I had since freshman year. I was worried about being the most prominent gay person in a small town. Considering how Tye is, I would not have been surprised if I was removed from the board if I came out. I had already ruffled feather by being the youngest member of the board, and I did not want to irritate people further by being the “gay” one. The views of a few of my fellow board members sealed my fate on that one. Every time traditional values were brought up in a meeting, I knew what was being referred to.

My time in Tye politics taught me so much about the inner workings of government. It helped me to understand what I want to do with my life. My run for city council was a spur of the moment decision that turned into one of the most informative decisions of my life. I grew because of Tye, but I am ready to close that chapter.

Last year was my best year in terms of dealing with myself. I have tried ever so hard to separate my political life from my school life. My work in Democratic politics has taken off over the last year, and I have been given so many opportunities to help people. I am truly grateful for all of them. I have made my sexuality more open in the political circle. Mostly because in Democratic circles, I have not had the fear of hatred that I have worried about in other areas.

At HSU I was able to meet some fantastic people who I have been able to open up to. Luckily, they are good at keeping a secret. I shut myself off from a lot of what HSU offered because of skepticism, lack of time, and fear that I was not the right type of person to be involved. However, in the few places I remained involved I have not regretted it.

To the few people I still keep up with from HSU, you know who you are (the hint being I will text or talk to you on a regular basis), and I want to thank you so much. I have been scorned a few times over the years, so I am selective with who I make friends with. The ability to talk to people and be honest is so valuable, and I would like to thank you for making that opportunity possible for me.

Earlier this year, I decided that the day I graduated I would “come out”. I have always been poor with deadlines, but this is one I decided that I would keep. I felt that as I moved on to the next stage of my life, that I should do it as me.

I realize that for the rest of my life, I will have people tell me that they do not “agree” with how I live my life. I resent that choice of words. The word “agree” implies that I chose to live this way. I can promise you that being gay is no choice. Why would I choose to make life harder for myself? Why would I choose to make a part of the population of this country believe that I am a heretic? Am I simply an attention seeker?

No.

The only choice I made in this matter is to be open with everyone about it.

This may be something that offends some people. However, your feelings and beliefs are my everyday reality.

I ask that you treat me with the same respect that you would treat any other person you meet.

That is because I am the same as every other person you meet.

Because you are you, and they are they.

And I am me.